Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
You were dancing with his friend and you stopped to literally push the girl he was dancing with out of the way to make out with him
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
He fucked me while wearing his night time breathing machine mask. Does this mean I joined the dark side and he is Darth Vader?
There's no sexy way to moan the name Ernest. Or Ernie. This relationship is fucked
Still alive. Just brushed my teeth with fireball.
I will not abuse the gift that was given to me
You were given a vagina and you abuse that pretty hard
All I recall is being at the strip club doing dark rum shots and then puking a question mark on the wall above the garbage can in the men's room and having diarrhea in the sink. 6th drunkest I've ever been without blacking out.
Randomize
