She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I would rather wake up to a truck driver than wake up to her
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh
Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.
Tornado warnings are fun!
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
Pizza and koolaid didn't even make me feel better. This hangover means business
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
Holy shit last night was like the irresponsible Olympics for me
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Randomize
