I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
You coulda licked the floor this morning and got drunk.
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Why do I know about what dicks have been in your mouth but didn't know you had a dog? What kind of friends are we??
Some girls wake up to good morning texts. I wake up to pictures of an angry Shrek getting a blowjob.
I wore the clothes I got arrested in last night to work today.....there is no where but up from here!
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
Randomize
