Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
and when i put it inside her she yelled "welcome aboard!"
Yet again my drunken self has managed to find his way into the middle of nowhere with no shoes or recollection of what happened last night.
Then I guess you don't remember me driving you there after you tried making out with my girlfriend, dipshit.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
I sent dad a photo of my graduation certificate from drug therapy class. It was his birthday so it seemed appropriate.
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
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