i'm so bored i'm watching porn for fun. not even jacking off or anything. just watching.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
One day her vagina is just going to shrivel up and seal itself with it's self preservation mechanism
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
You said "this is only my eighth drink" with like 6 separate drinks
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
Once he bit me I drew the fucking line.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize