My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
I have never pre-planed for a better sober morning than lacing my muffin batch with tylenol.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
His 12 year old sister has bigger boobs than me and now that's all I can think about when we have sex
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
Remember that time we were together? Yeah, I don't miss that.
Randomize