My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
U handed him a box of flavored condoms, winked, and slurred, "grape juice is her favorite."
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.
The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
I mean, who doesn't have an ex involved with bath salts?
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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