sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.
I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Weekend plan is a big bag of dope, delivery food, Bollywood marathon and masterbating my dick raw.
This tiny Canadian guy just tipped me $20, a piece of gum, and a joint. I wasn't working. He literally tipped me for talking to him.
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
I'm pretty sure I made out with a guy in a man thong.
She asked me to dress as captain planet for halloween and told me she was gonna suck the pollution out of my dick.
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
His mom just pulled off a quadruple cockblock. I'm not sure if I'm mad or impressed?
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