Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
its the kind of pain that only someone with a fucking elephant on their head would understand. I'm never drinking again.
I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago
Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
He added his name to my To Do list. That's the way to my Type A heart.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
i feel like when you brought up the possibility of you getting pregnant the sexting is over
She said "we just have chemistry" ... I wanted to say "no, you just have a vagina."
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
