We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex
I feel like i made up for not being able to drink on St Pattys Day, Mardi Gras, and last years Cinco De Mayo. That hungover.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
The bartender gave me the kids toys. Paddle ball & a gecko.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
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