im surounded by vag. Like smog aound LA, i am suffocating in an atmosphere of pussy
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
just realized I'm too high to take the plastic off a slice of cheese....
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
