I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
I haven't been "cry when you eat ben and jerrys" high in a while.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
She wouldn't put out on the first date. I think my boner put a hole in my mattress.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
That's Danny the boy who threw up in the Doritos bag
He wanted to save my dignity, I just wanted beads and jäger
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
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