dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
When the shrooms kicked in we both simultaneously realized we were not the right puzzle piece for the dubstep puzzle.
We made eye contact and were like we are not welcome here, the ravers are onto us and we need to get the fuck out before we get shuffled upon
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
Can we discuss your tits for a sec? That melon patch sprung up over night
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
i'm so glad to be in bed i'd like to thank the acadermy
How was your night?
I spent a lot of money and drank a lot of booze. Also was part of a successful search party
Randomize
