i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
pooping with feet up on an ottoman about level with the toilet is nice
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
One of my life goals was never to see an uncircumcised dick. I guess that's out the window now.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
Also either i just launched into space as a rocket or my legs just orgasmed, but i am high as a soul train
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