I didn't shave. On purpose
i told her parents not too worry the way i do it girls dont get pregnant
Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
At the end of the white elephant exchange, our professor had a big black dildo around her neck and I won a full body dinosaur suit. I could die tomorrow with no regrets.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Never use fire and ice condoms with a dude who always claims he "didn't know it was the wrong hole"
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
All I can think about are the cheese it's on my desk at work this morning. Like are those apologetic cheese it's or does he seriously think he still has a shot..
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
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