Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar
He drew a face on his balls with a sharpie. It was like giving head to a unicorn.
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
He doesn't want a full on relationship, he provides me with all the weed I can handle and gives me multiple mind blowing orgasms. He's my soul mate.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
Just sitting at dinner with my dad...simultaneously texting "daddy" to confirm saturday's spanking and telling another guy to get condoms before Im done with dinner. Don't know when I got so ate up but I'm loving it. You?
Regretting asking you what you were doing.
When do you estimate your next shower will be? Several people have asked.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
im pretty sure i tried to use axe body spray to cover up the strong urine smell coming from my jeans. im also pretty sure that it didnt work.
Randomize
