Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
You made a course evaluation for your vagina? Wow. You really are a professor now.
I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.
Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
Don’t judge me
Some of us don’t have access to dick on a constant basis
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
Randomize
