I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I need to get my pants from under your porch. People are asking questions.
at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?
everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
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