I just threw up on my dentist
He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
I don't know what part of vegas I'm in but its definately the wrong part
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
So you're on like a list there now..."Do not under any circumstances give this person a knife. Serve them in plastic cups ONLY"
I thought the Bane mask would really repel dudes but instead I ended up grinding on a frat dude that whispered "bad bitch contest, you in first place" in my ear in a Batman voice
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
I just woke up and I don't really remember anything past 1pm. How much am I missing?
A good 10-11 hours. You got laid twice. Also, you out-ran a cop and played football with a lamp.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
