fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
His hands kept asking for sex, but all I could think was "dude, this is going to ruin my high".
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
What happened to fro yo and sex?
Apparently I was drunk enough to call he police station and ask if there was a problem with me.
Those nachos came to me in a dream
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
Randomize
