i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.
At least I've made one childhood dream come true
I just found puke in my bra..
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
I once took a shot of lighter fluid.. That's not a secret just a fucked up story
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
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