I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.
Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.
i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober
took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
trapped on the roof of the strip club. help
I was a battlefield of empty bottles and bodies. We though we won, but the booze had the last laugh.
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
So bored. I think I've expelled every last gram of jizz from my body.
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
Randomize
