Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Just Everbombed a Guiness to make up for cutting out early last night. Also the Mars probe. Happy birthday motherfucker!
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I had the most traumatic dream I've ever had just now. I ripped my dick off because a girl asked me to and spent the rest of the dream crying about my dick
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Randomize
