I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
Girl on the bus just slammed her book shut, turned to me and said "I'm way to fucking high to be studying"
And I think your bro would be happy to know that when I took my bra off like 10lbs of confetti fell out. It was like my tits were celebrating being free
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
I woke up to him peeing by our bedroom door. I yelled at him to go to the bathroom and he just kept peeing while he walked there. This is a new low.
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
Randomize
