i was born a porn star she said
everyone is single if you try hard enough
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
Just had to double check that I had pants on. THAT kind of weekend.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I hate when my Bumble matches make it hard for me to stalk them.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
Randomize
