my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
Want to go swimsuit shopping? First one who cries buys ice cream.
Matt's offering to breast feed it.
Help. I am eating nachos. But I'm with some guy. I need help. I don't know where I am. The nachos were so good. I'll bring them but help me.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Thanks for listening. You're the first guy I've ever worked with who I didn't want to fuck.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
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