remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh
After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
I made him fuck me with my coat zipped up and a unicorn mask on. That level of drunk sex. Weird and creepy yet highly satisfying.
I drank so much that my feet don't feel like my feet
If it exists, I've probably pregamed it.
Safe to say we should stock up on nipple bandaids ladies
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
My dreams last night were filled with sex and quidditch.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
