If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
i think my tv is drunk
Damn. That makes sense
I know im like the sherlok holmes of sexual problems
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I lost a shoe at the club last night, I think that's when I decided to go home.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
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