There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
After sex he cried I didn't know what to do so I patted him on the back and went to the kitchen to make waffles
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
