So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
So I'm eating my sandwich... and a penny fell out of it.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
If you're not washing nut sweat off of your forehead this morning I'm disappointed in you
nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
