Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.
The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
If there's one thing I learned yesterday, it's that if I really wanted to I could be mayor of Toronto.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
She wore her engagement ring the whole time we fucked. I hate her fiancee, so it was cool
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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