his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
i've been throwing up a lot lately. my guess is hangover but who knows morning sickness is always an option
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
You told him that your vagina was the "King Crab" of all vagina's.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
He likes bondage and spanking and shit.
Oh, so "normal" kinky not "I wanna pee on people" kinky. I can handle that.
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
Well pulled into the driveway, and there she was. Kinda like a Vegas version of the mint on a pillow
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
the shoes thing blows my mind idk how the fuck i did that and im also missing 4 of my birth control pills like did i drunkenly decide to overload my body with estrogen
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Randomize
