Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
Hypothetically, if a stripper with braces bites you on the cleavage and it leaves an open wound, do you need a tetanus shot?
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
Next time you decide to go downstairs hungover, please warn me. I now have to explain to twenty eight year olds why you were naked.
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
Just got hit on via LinkedIn..do I capitalize on this opportunity/land a job or reply something sassy
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
my hair smells like a mixture of fireworks and rotten eggs with a hint of shame. it's so strong it's keeping me awake.
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