Swine flu. Run for my life!
Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.
Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.
My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Mom called last night while I was at the bar and asked where I was. I told her I was on the highway to the danger zone while the guys were humming the top gun theme.
You know what id love more than anything right now? ..a back rub while eating biscuits and gravy
lesbians are really intense tho, she made me take her eye makeup off and told me she was going to eat me for breakfast
Randomize
