I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
he said the way to his heart was through his stomach, i told him if he wanted to eat my food he had to eat my kitty
smooth operator
we have to top last new years. except im not ready for jail. that can wait a couple years
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
sweet sixteen by hillary duff just came on and i feel like i let lizzie mcguire down for being such a stoner
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
You told us that you were going to become a 'new man' and threw your tv set out of a window.
Im not as flexible as I once was, but I still managed to get eaten out in the front seat of a hummer behind keddies.
Randomize
