so it turns out you can rearrange the letters in "scottsdale" to spell "milf city." who knew?
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Oh and someone pissed in my shoes, so I'll let you figure that out.
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I think that's why god made me a woman. Bc it's harder to slap people in the face with a vagina.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
He's perfect in every other way. Is buying him a cockring too forward or just honest?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
Randomize
