I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Also. I plan to spend time with you at boomers, high, teaching ourselves how to pee standing up.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
We told you to act sober so to prepare yourself you started doing squats and stretching then you slapped yourself and walked in
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
