ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
You cannot ask her to resend the picture of her genital tattoo to you just so you can show your room mate. it is time to end your relationship with the Captain.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
