Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole
and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
Wow. I grabbed the wrong container to rinse my contacts- it was a beer. And it comes out waaaay faster than saline.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
Put an egg in my coffee filter this morning. I think I am still drunk.
All I'm saying is the next time I see him naked, there better be something in it for me that doesn't end in bailing him out of jail.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
Randomize
