you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
No, I've only ever seen his brother's dick. So when I have lucid sex dreams, I just do a little cut and paste in my mind and stick his bro's package onto him.
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
Randomize
