I puked in a mailbox on the way back from your house.
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
... I threw up in the shower this morning
You were "I'm not drunk" drunk.
I was feeling sad so bedroom vodka seemed like the best solution at the time.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
The drunk mom in a firefighter hat just told her to leave.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
Im four hours late for work AND i pissed my bed
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