I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .
In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
I faked an orgasm during phone sex last night. This relationship is starting to become real.
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
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