never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
some fat dude with wolverine facial hair just walked out of your room with a snuggie. explanation needed.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Randomize
