the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
if your leaving for the weekend then im farting on your pillow
Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
A donut and a mojito for breakfast...Helloooooo Derby Wekkend!
I didn't just get this from the chlamydia fairy.. You should probably get tested.
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
I have reached the state of intoxication where it is now a requirement to sit while peeing.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
Like I feel like I use my high IQ for the wrong things
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
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