I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I made myself breakfast and everything and then whoever's house it actually was came downstairs very upset.
Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
When are your genitals available?
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
Randomize
