Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right
Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms
Tomorrow morning i will black in to find a christmas tree in my room that i dont remember how i got. I love college
We saluted the chips to the national anthem before cooking them. The house has to get a munchies fryer
dont call me baby and dont touch my ears. ITS ALL I ASK
nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ
he is risen halelujah
I'm having a martini with dinner. A new level of class.
I'm stoned and eating mustard, also a new level of class.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
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