If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
Eating nacho cheese off the carpet. How is your morning?
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
Also, I want you to know, that not only am I apparently the expert on sexting. Our bishop is consulting me later. So my talents are varied.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
Poor guy. Tried so hard to get out of the friend zone. I had to make out with someone in front of him to put him in his place.
Randomize
