I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
I woke up with a crunchy, pink Pepto streak through my hair, no recollection of the last 6 hours of my night and the feeling that all the hotel's staff knew me on a first name basis.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
No one will ever find true happiness until they have gotten stoned and taken off the bra they've been wearing all day.
You, my dear friend, are a poet of the deep mental longings of women worldwide.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
I think I was high. I asked a dude at chillis if they had a cereal buffet
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
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