Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Last night I walked out of the bar got in a cab asked the cabi to circle the block. he did and brought me right back to the bar. I paid him $7 thanked him and walked back into the bar.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
I had to help you off the toilet floor because you couldn't get up, then you threw your drink on the floor and just said "oh dear" really calmly.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Like the friend zone has no room for winks
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
UGH I HATE BEING THIS WAY IM GOING TO GO HUG THE CACTUS YOU GOT ME
Just got an email from match.com trying to match me with My ex..I nearly pissed myself laughing
Randomize
