it was like getting a handjob from robocop
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
Fucken Tweens. They smelled like cotton candy and hand jobs my nostrils were offended.
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Ohh man. That was a snatch-waxer with a score to settle.
The only times girls talk to me at clubs is when they're asking if I'm okay when I'm puking outside. Or if it's a tranny
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
Hey, dude, is Kevin still passed out on your porch?
Yeah. I'm gonna go leave a pitcher of bloody mary next to him in case he's still alive.
Worst case scenario- he paid me for sex with meatloaf. There are worse thing, right? I mean at least is was good meatloaf.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
