Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I hate to tell you this, but your sister reeks of whore.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
Bullshit. No way. If I brushed past your penis it was completely coincidental.
omg this is getting ridiculous. nobody's vagina should ever be this neglected.
Dave called me blind fucking drunk thinking he was going to die from drinking with drake bell(wtf?) saying "it's all that drake motherfucker's fault" and later proceeded to tell me "you are my twitter"
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
It's gonna be me and some oreos tonight. Basically like sex
It was a good thing I was on the balcony flashing those guys or I would have never seen her skipping to his car
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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