I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
And suddenly....Tubas. Tubas everywhere.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
i'm licking honey sensually off my arm while alone in my room. what has my life come to
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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