I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I'm sorry if you weren't drunk enough to be peer pressured into the naked dancing/group make out that transpired last night
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Randomize
