A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
No we didn't fuck. He picked me up I asked where we were going and he said "I don't know if you've ever heard of a little place called Denny's?" He was completely serious. I told him to stop the car and I got out and called Jack.
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
So then I got so stoned I sat and took my pulse for 10 minutes.
Randomize
