I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
There is a 1000000% chance you'll be turned down if you try coming on to me while I watch Star Wars.
just really comprehended the fact that I'm getting high at the same place I used to play as a child. the nostalgia and thc is mixing together in one, intense wave. WHO HAVE I BECOME
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Are you jealous of my sweatsuit? It's how I get men on Tinder.
Your shirt... Was in my pants
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
I love FaceTime, every time you ring me the morning after its like I went home with your one night stand too.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
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