I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
My hair reeks of homosexuality.
Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?
hahahahahahahahahahaha
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
I'm sobbing to NWA
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
Randomize
