There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
Masturbated while waiting for my face mask to dry, so it was a productive night.
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