I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
i would one night stand the shit outta him
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize