I'm in a room alone pouting because I got the wrong nachos at taco bell.
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
We've given up. My vagina is tired of constant lonely nights and disappointments. This is our retirement.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
I gave his daughter swim lessons and in exchange he sold me an ounce. I feel so accomplished.
I balled in the shower for 20 minutes, rolled up to the meeting late looking like a gremlin, and my one night stand was standing there in a suit
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