Ambien. No doubt about it.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
I'm sure it's not the worst thing to ever come out of my ass
I'm surprised they let us keep partying at that hotel bar, that's like the 3rd time I've had to try blocking the view of him peeing off the balcony. I earn my free drinks.
i feel like i am made of mashed potatoes. i love cannabis pills so. fucking. much.
I'n not even sure we went out, but I know we broke into a cemetery.
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
I'll probably just end up banging you in your parents marital bed,in their honor of course.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
I dont pretend to understand how the heterosexual mind works. Its a mysterious cavern of stupidity and disgusting sexual acts.
Randomize
